Vision Quest Journal #5
Sunday, September 20th.
DREAM: Ben Stiller starred in my dream. It was a movie. He was returning home to his family for the first time in many years. His grandfather was dying. He was a military specialist. Like special forces, or something. And he got into an argument with his brother. He wanted to see his sister, but his brother wouldn’t let him. Ben, said that he just wanted to see what he could have been. He could have been like her. Apparently they were twins (???) and both creative, loving, tender, fun-loving children. But his sister had had that side nurtured and encouraged while Ben had been encouraged to focus his creativity into the skills that ultimately led him into the military.
After his brother would not let him see his sister he went for a walk and came across a trailer with security guards around it. Somehow, he knew his sister was being held inside it. So, using his military skills, he broke in and rescued her. I never actually saw his sister in the dream. But I knew that he had succeeded in rescuing her. There were two women who made it official. One was a queen or a senator who allowed him to take her home.
When I woke up from the dream I had a very clear sense that I had just rescued a part of my inner child. That part of me that loves be creative and play and have fun.
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It seems as if there is much more morning activity here than yesterday. Almost as if the land and its residents have accepted my presence. And the really interesting thing is that there is water nearby. No more than 100-feet to the north. I hear it clearly this morning. But I have not heard it before this. It’s hard to believe I would have missed that sound yesterday morning or last night in the silence. But, unless it’s some kind of intermittent spring there’s no way it could just started this morning. There was no rain last night. Strange.
I think after my quest I’ll go visit the little creek and see what it has to say.
Now I’m sitting on my sun welcoming rock. The sun rises in a perfect spot, between two stands of pine trees below me and just in the notch of two peaks across the valley. I could not have planned it more perfectly.
Last night saw two beautiful shooting stars. And I’m still amazed at how clear the Milky Way is up here. All the branches and arms reaching out like tendrils of smoke, but not changing.
I feel good this morning. I don’t think the fasting is going to be an issue. I notice a low-grade hunger. But it is not intense and it certainly is not distracting. My body is definitely weaker than normal. I noticed that climbing up to my sun welcoming rock. But that doesn’t really matter since I’m not expending a lot of energy while I’m here.
I did have a little scare yesterday. I went to purify water from the big guy and put it into my drinking containers. The filter didn’t work. I wasn’t so worried about my time up here since I had already toyed with the idea of not drinking water during the fast. But the thought of hiking out without water didn’t sound like such a great idea. I worked on the filter for a while and finally fixed it with good old duct tape! The o-ring inside the pump handle was not making a vacuum seal in there. So wrapping a layer of tape around it fixed it.
After that I decided to drink a…
Good morning Sun!
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The sun took me by surprise. I wasn’t watching the trees to see where it was and all of a sudden, there it was shining out from across the valley. Feels good. And what I was saying about water is that I’m going to drink as little as I can today and tomorrow.
Today there is no wind. Wonder if it will come up later in the morning. Perfectly still now. Not cold. Probably will get hot later.
Now I’ll meditate for a while.
You can read all of the posts in the Vision Quest Journal Series here.
4 Law of Attraction Lessons Misers Teach Us
The Law of Attraction tells us that Like Attracts Like, or that what you focus on expands. But if that’s the case, why are there wealthy misers?
It’s a contradiction of the law.
Or is it?
What do misers focus on?
Ok, yes, they focus on money. But the more important question is “How do they focus on it?” What is their vibrational offering when they focus on money?
Fear!
They focus on money from a place of fear, scarcity and lack. They are afraid of losing it or having it taken from them. So they hoard it, they save it, they refuse to spend it. They are so afraid of losing their money that end up living miserable lives even though they have more than enough money.
And as an interesting side note did you know that the root of the word miserable is… you guessed it – Miser.
While the theory of what you focus on expands makes sense, in practice we must distinguish between our mental or thought focus versus our deeper energetic or vibrational focus. If you’ve been working with the Law of Attraction for any length of time you know that it is not enough to merely focus your thoughts on something.
Thoughts, on their own, will NOT attract your desires.
In fact, you have probably noticed that it quite possible to consistently focus your thoughts on one desire while you continue to attract the exact opposite into your life! What’s up with that?
What’s up is that the focus of your conscious desire is not strong enough to overcome the underlying core energetic vibration that is being put out through your emotions and your unconscious desire.
Until your conscious and unconscious desires are in alignment, it is very difficult (and often very frustrating) to attract what you want.
So how are misers able to attract and accumulate large sums of money when they are clearly focusing from a low vibration place of fear and lack?
The key to answering this question is to recognize what misers really want. Their core desire is not money… it’s misery! What they really want – their unconscious desire – is the misery and fear of losing the money. So, for misers, abundance becomes the context from which they get to experience their desire for scarcity. Money provides them with the fuel for their desire.
Now remember, the Universe doesn’t judge our desires. The Universe says “yes” to a miser’s desire to live in scarcity (even when surrounded by piles of money) just as quickly as it says “yes” to a Deliberate Creator choosing to embrace abundance (even when living in a time of apparent scarcity).
For misers, abundance is the context that allows them to fully experience their desire – misery.
For deliberate creators, scarcity is the context that allows us to fully experience our desire – abundance!
And misers show us that it is absolutely possible for scarcity and abundance to co-exist in the same person at the same time.
So here are four Law of Attraction lessons that Deliberate Creators can learn from misers.
First, abundance and scarcity CAN (and DO) exist simultaneously. It can be difficult to get your mind around the concept that these seemingly contradictory vibrations can exist together. And, in fact, your conscious mind is literally unable grasp this awareness. It is your heart-based awareness, or your higher-mind, that can intuitively grasp this concept. But it can be helpful to have an example to share with your mind. When your show your conscious mind the example of a miser and say, “See it is possible for scarcity and abundance to live in the same person at the same time,” your mind starts to get it.
Second, misers are brilliant examples of the Universe’s willingness and ability to give us exactly what we ask for. Ask and it is given! Do you want more abundance? The Universe will give it to you. Do you want more scarcity? The Universe will say “yes” to your request. There is no judgment, no hesitation. The Universe doesn’t say, “Are you SURE you want that?” The Universe says “yes.” So take a look around your world and recognize that whatever is in your life right now is the Universe’s answer to your request.
Third, misers teach us that it is possible to change our desires and our vibration. Well, for this lesson we have to thank Mr. Dickens and other authors who have seeded our collective consciousness with characters who begin as misers and go through a transformation that leads them to become generous, abundant, Deliberate Creators. The lesson for us is that, no matter where we are, no matter how much of an “inner miser” we have, we can change! And we don’t need to wait until the ghost of Christmas past comes to pay us a visit!
Fourth, misers teach us that money truly can not buy happiness. For a miser More Money = More Misery. More money means more that can be lost or taken away. There is never enough. There can never be enough. The Universe gives a miser more money so that the miser can have even more misery. So recognize that money is not the source of your happiness, nor is lack of money the source of your suffering. You get to choose how to feel in each and every moment!
In the Personal Growth Race Slow and Steady Wins
I’ve been thinking a lot about the pace of growth in the world in all of us. Anyone with any level of sensitivity can feel the accelerating rate of change. It does not take any sophisticated equipment to know that our evolution is speeding up.
And when you recognize that, when you feel that, it often feels important to “keep up” with the pace of the change. But in our attempts to “keep up” it’s easy to try to make too many changes in our personal growth and evolution. And when you try to make too many changes it’s far too easy to overload the system and blow your circuits.
That’s why it’s so important to remember that when it comes to personal growth Slow and Steady wins the race.
No matter what is going on in the world around you, no matter how fast the collective is evolving, it is crucial that you choose a deliberate, consistent and steady course in your personal growth.
I’ve written a couple of posts on this in the past. Check out Too Many Personal Growth Variables, and Split Testing for Personal Growth.
But the key is acceptance. Self Acceptance.
Accept yourself where you are. Even as you focus on moving forwad, growing and evolving, trust that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Trust that your pace of growth is perfect.
And remember, no matter how fast or slow your personal growth may be, there is never an end. Unlike with the Tortoise and Hare, there is no finish line. Your growth will never end. So don’t be in such a rush.
Enjoy the journey.
Vision Quest Journal #4
The wind here is alive. It can be completely quiet and calm here, then, I’ll hear the wind awakening the trees in the valley and I can follow its journey up the valley and up the mountain until it arrives here….
Hello my friend! It’s as if you knew I was writing about you. You almost blew these pages right out from under my hand. Thank you for welcoming me to your home.
It’s hard to think of myself as alone here. There are so many “friends” around me. The trees, the stones, the flowers, the birds, the insects, the sky, the clouds, the sun, the wind, and of course, The Source of it all that flows through me even as it flows through all that surrounds me.
It’s interesting that just when I looked up from writing that the first chipmunk came out to say hello. I have heard them scurrying around but none have come out to say hello, until now!
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The sun has gone down behind the ridge to the west. There will still be sun in the valley for a little bit and it will be at least 2-hours before the sun leaves the peaks across the valley.
Time has taken on a totally different meaning and texture here. I move from one spot to another as I feel like it. When I’m hot I move to the shade. When I get cool I find the sun. When I’m cold I put on more clothes. When my back gets sore from sitting, I stand up or lie down or stretch. When I feel like meditating I do. When I hear an interesting sound I watch to see what it is. When I feel like writing, I do. There is no structure or framework, other than the movement of the sun across the sky.
And even though this is such a drastic shift from the pace of my “normal” life I have not felt bored today.
In so many ways THIS feels more normal to me than the way I live out there. Perhaps one of the lessons I am to take back with me is finding a way to integrate this sense of peacefulness and fluidity I feel here into my daily life.
Or perhaps it is the importance of creating opportunities to reconnect with this peacefulness on a regular basis.
Could this experience be the belonging I am so wanting to find? Could it be this simple? Perhaps.
It gets cold here when the sun drops behind the ridge. The wind still blows strong until the true sunset. Last night I crawled into my bag for a couple of hours until the wind died down. I’ll do that now too.
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The silence, when the wind completely stops is profound. It becomes clear just how loud and constant it has been throughout the day. And as if to emphasize that point, my friend, the wind, blows once more through the trees.
The silence is like those moments at the ocean’s edge when all the different areas where the waves break simultaneously fall into silence. That brief but profound silence is so deep I sometimes feel as If I am falling into it. And here, as we head into evening and night, the silence will be longer but no less deep.
Broken, now, by the sounds of the day critters making their final preparations for the night.
The sun is almost gone now. Just the very tip of the tallest peak across the valley still shows the light of the sun. But we’ll remain in the dusky transition for a couple of hours before the stars come out. Though the bright star, and especially the planet that lights up the South East sky will show up fairly soon.
You can read all of the posts in the Vision Quest Journal Series here.
Vision Quest Journal #3
You can read all of the posts in the Vision Quest Journal Series here.
The first round of tears has come and gone. The sorrow came over me instantly, from out of nowhere that I could determine. From that sorrow came the start of this conversation.
God, why have we created a world with so much pain and suffering?
In order to have a context from which to fully experience your joy.
But what about advanced cultures? I can’t imagine they choose to perpetuate pain and suffering the way we do.
No, they choose to perpetuate the memory of the pain and suffering in order to have a context for experiencing peace and joy.
But what about those who are born into a world without suffering? How do they experience or “remember” pain and suffering?
Through the collective and through a conscious transference of memories.
So instead of choosing to perpetuate the actual physical experience of pain and suffering they create mechanisms to keep it present within their consciousness?
Yes.
And what if a culture does not keep those memories alive?
They usually cycle back down into darkness. That is why those of you who have said, of your holocaust for instance, “never forget,” are on the right track. Not that you should remember this to bang the drum of what you don’t want – thereby creating more of it. But so that you can remember the experience, the sorrow, the pain and the anguish in order to have a psychic and emotional context from which to fully step into and appreciate your joy. That’s why your Memorial Day holiday has the potential to be such a powerful force for good in your world.
You mean if, instead of using it as an excuse for another 3-day weekend, we actually used it as an opportunity to drop into grief and experience the pain and sorrow of the world?
Yes. Exactly.
Is that one of the ways advanced cultures keep the memories alive?
It is the beginner’s version. There are more direct ways of transferring the memories. But yes, most of them do have “holidays” when they collectively remember. As you have experienced with some of your recent tragedies, the experience of pain and grief is amplified when experienced collectively.
Yes. Thank you God.
You can read all of the posts in the Vision Quest Journal Series here.
Vision Quest Journal #2
Saturday, September 19th.
Last night, I dreamt of exclusion and alienation. All dreams of how I live my life… on the fringe.. touching the circle, viewing the circle but not stepping into it, not becoming part of it, not claiming my right to belong. That is what I seek here, my sense of belonging, the deep knowing that I am meant to be here. It is not a vision I seek. It is not guidance about what I am “meant to do.” It is confirmation or validation that I am supposed to be here.
Deep within me is a place that knows this to be true. During these days of fasting, solitude, prayer and seeking, I hope to find that part of me and bring it out of hiding, out of the shadows and into the light so that I can live my life fully as one who belongs in this world.
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Big wind today. Feels good. Cold this morning. Welcomed the sun into this new day. Then clouds rolled in and I crawled back into my sleeping bag until it warmed up. Now it’s hot in the sun. Just moved to the shade. Big, thick clouds just sitting to the Northeast. Not moving. Rain was not in the forecast, but these clouds look wet. We’ll see what happens. If I have to set up my tent tonight I will.
It was beautiful sleeping out last night. I spent as much time awake looking up at the incredibly bright stars and watching them move slowly across the sky.
Had a short talk with God earlier while I was meditating. He made it very clear that this whole “vision” thing is all about me. I’ll try to recap our conversation:
You mean you don’t have a vision for me?
Never have, never will.
Then how am I supposed to know what to do?
You choose it.
So I create my own vision?
You always have. Everything you have ever accomplished began as a vision that you created. You had a vision to do a vision quest, right?
Yes.
And here you are. You pushed through all the obstacles that got in your way. You pushed through the weakness in your body and the pain in your head. Yes?
Yes.
And you had a vision of doing your quest up here in this spot. Yes?
Yes.
And here you are. You pushed through your weakness. You carried your pack up here. You carried your water up here. And here you are.
Yes. Here I am.
And you had a vision of fasting for 4-nights and 3-days. Yes?
Yes.
And I have absolutely no that you will turn that vision into a reality.
So I need to create a vision for my life that is as compelling as the vision I created for this quest?
No you don’t NEED to do anything. But if you want to feel compelled, passionate and have the strength to push through obstacles, a compelling vision would be helpful.
And you don’t care what it is?
Not in the least.
That’s not very helpful.
I should think that would be incredibly helpful. It gives you the freedom to choose any vision you want!
Yes, but some guidance would help narrow it down.
You humans are so funny. You want to be free to choose your own “destiny” and you also want guidance to help you make the “right choice.”Unfortunately, you can’t have it both ways.
But what about the stories of people who have received guidance from you? What about Moses and all of those biblical stories?
Stories are just that… stories. And after the fact, it is easy to give me credit for something great that someone did of their own volition. You see it’s difficult for most people to believe that a mortal human, like Moses, could have come up with the idea to bring his people out of Egypt on his own. So, after the fact, they wrote me into the story.
But weren’t you part of it?
Of course! Once he made up his mind. Once he had his vision. I was with him every step of the way.
So you were guiding him?
Not guiding him so much as reminding him of his own wisdom and strength.
So the whole thing with the broken tablets and you not allowing him into the promised land… another story?
Yes and no. And the truth is a longer story than you have pages left to write on. But the bottom line is that once Moses led his people out of Egypt many of them got scared… of him. They didn’t know what to make of someone who thought for himself. They were afraid of someone who seemed to treat me as a peer, instead of my servant, someone who, in fact, was my peer. And some of those whom he had led to freedom used the fear they saw in the people to make it clear to Moses that his joining them in the promised land would not be in “his best interest” if you get my drift.
And was Moses your peer?
Absolutely. Just as you are my peer. And just as all of you are my peers.
You can read all of the posts in the Vision Quest Journal Series here.
Climate Change is a Kick to Our Collective Comfort Zone
Blog Action Day
Today is Blog Action Day: Bloggers from around the world write about a common theme. This year’s theme is Climate Change, a broad topic that makes it possible for bloggers from many diverse areas to join in the fun!
If you browse some of the blog action day posts, you’ll find articles on every conceivable aspect of Climate Change. Yesterday, as I hiked in the hills during a break in the rain and pondered how to approach the topic, I was inspired to stretch just a bit.
You see, stretching is what I do: As a personal development coach and trainer one of my jobs is to help people expand their comfort zones. Sometimes it doesn’t take much to get people to stretch, and other times it’s necessary to turn the heat up a bit. Every once in a while, I find that it has to get REALLY HOT!
Do you see where I’m going with this yet?
Climate change, global warming, whatever you call this event we are living in, is turning up the heat on all of us. Literally! And as the heat turns up, it’s pushing us to the edge of our collective comfort zone.
And, personally, I think that’s a really good thing!
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not happy about the melting ice-caps and the Polar Bears that are getting trapped on the drifting ice sheets. I’m not thrilled about the millions of people who may be displaced by rising sea levels. And I’m not singing joyfully about the biodiversity we are losing on a daily basis.
Not at all!
But, I am thrilled that we are arriving at a moment in our history when we are either going to do something about Climate Change, or we’re going to experience the consequences of NOT doing something. As the saying goes, it’s time for us to either “shit or get off the pot!” Well maybe it’s not the best analogy for our situation. After all, it’s our shit – literally and figuratively – that has gotten us into this situation. And I’m not sure I want to imagine what “getting off the pot,” would look like in this case!
But whatever the ultimate outcome, I am thrilled that we are here because it gives us a chance to observe how we face difficult change on a collective level. And the way we approach change collectively is not very different from the way we approach change as individuals.
Every one of us has faced this same “moment of truth” in our lives. We have all come up against the edge of our personal comfort zone and been faced with the choice or stretching and expanding or retreating back to the safety and comfort of what is known.
I’ve faced this choice plenty of times in my own life. And, as a coach, I’ve guided many people through these moments if choice and change. What I’ve found is that, when confronting the edge of our comfort zone, there are usually three main voices that compete for our attention.
There is the “throw caution to the wind” voice that says, “Bring it on baby!” This is the daredevil, the adrenalin junkie, the one that has no concern for stability and security but only cares about growth, movement, excitement and new experiences.
Then there is the voice that speaks for cautious change. This voice acknowledges the problems that have come from living in a certain way, but even so, is not ready to make immediate and dramatic changes. This is the, “Yes, let’s change course, but let’s not rock the boat too much to do it” voice.
And finally, there is the security seeking, “status quo” voice. This is the voice of stability. “No change is good change,” is the motto of this voice. No matter how bad the situation is, no matter how obvious the need for change has become, this voice argues, often quite effectively, that there is nothing wrong and that there is no reason to change.
The interesting thing is that, as we watch Climate Change progressing, we also get to watch each of these voices – along with other variations – play out on the global, collective playing field. We hear the voices shouting for immediate, drastic change. We hear the voices of reason calling for analysis and research-driven action. And we hear the voices arguing that there is absolutely nothing wrong and no reason to make any changes at all.
Now I’m not about to venture a guess as to which voice is “right.” Although I wouldn’t put any money on the “there’s nothing wrong, let’s not make any changes” voice! I do, however, find it very interesting, and informative, observing these collective voices, watching how they interact, how they fight one another, how they point fingers and do their best to discredit the others.
When you or I come up against the edge of our comfort zone the process is identical. Those voices compete for our attention. They urge us to follow their path which is the “right” path. Often, the voice of stability wins by default because we get so caught up in trying to figure out what is right that we end up not doing anything. And, remember, no choice is a choice!
Now here is where it get’s really interesting. I’m a firm believer in Gandhi’s philosophy of “being the change you wish to see in the world.” Most people want to see us change to a sustainable way of living here on this Earth. Most of us want to see a change that reverses the damage we’ve done to the environment.
So, if we believe in Gandhi’s philosophy, that means we must be that change: We must act with more consciousness around environmental issues and sustainability. Maybe we start recycling more, or composting our kitchen scraps, or biking to work, or installing fluorescent bulbs, or taking shorter showers, or any number of great actions that have a positive affect on the environment.
But… what if the change we need to see (and be!) has more to do with how we approach our comfort zone than how we approach our environment.
Hear me out on this one. What if Climate Change is the Symptom but not the Cause?
What if, ultimately, the cause of climate change is our collective inability to expand our comfort zone without resistance?
I know, it’s a stretch. But, as I said earlier, I’m all about stretching.
But what if it’s true? What if Climate Change is the mirror showing us a reflection of who we are and offering us the choice to move to our next level of collective consciousness, to awaken to our greatness?
And what if the critical piece that is holding us back from that next level of consciousness is our inability to move through change – to stretch our comfort zone – with minimal resistance?
After all, resistance causes friction and friction causes what? That’s right, heat!
So here’s my suggestion: Even as you focus on “greening” your life and reducing your carbon footprint, how about also focusing on stretching your personal comfort zone. Your comfort zone stretch doesn’t have to do with sustainability or the environment. In fact, it probably won’t have anything to do with the environment.
Perhaps you’ll stretch your ability to say hello to strangers. Or maybe you’ll take a singing class. Or your comfort zone stretch might be to ask for a raise or start looking for a new job.
The specific way you expand your comfort zone is not important. What matters is that you begin practicing this expansion while releasing resistance to the changes that come.
For if it’s true that by being the change we wish to see in the world the world will change, then as each of us learns to expand and grow more gracefully it’s just possible that the voices debating whether Climate Change is real and how to best address it will stop arguing and start acting, with grace, towards a solution.
For some more ideas on how to start stretching your comfort zone, read my post 51 Ways to Expand Your Comfort Zone
And do leave a comment below. I would love to hear your thoughts on this.
Vision Quest Journal #1
Over the next few weeks I’ll be posting excerpts from the journal I kept during and after my recent Vision Quest. I initially had not planned to take anything to write with. On a traditional Vision Quest you would not have any writing materials to minimize distrations. But at the last minute I decided to bring one sheet of paper for each day of my journey. I’m glad I did as there were insights that I was able to record while the experience was fresh.
My journal notes are an interesting mix of practical details, straight forward descriptions of events, observations of the wilderness, attempts at unraveling inner mysteries, descriptions of dreams and recordings of insights that came to me during the quest.
My hope is that these journal notes will be of use to those of you who may decide to do your own Vision Quest. And, hopefully some of these observations and insights will be of use to you even if you have no intention of going on a Vision Quest.
If you have not already done so, be sure to enter your email address in the upper right column to receive updates when I publish a new post.
And with all that, here is the first Vision Quest Journal entry:
Friday, September 18th.
Just remembered it’s my b-day today. Happy bday to me! Made it to Maud Lake yesterday… Barely! Altitude sickness kicked in Big Time. Worse than I’ve ever experienced. I literally did not think I was going to make it to the lake. But I knew I had to since I was running out of water and the creeks were all dry. I just kept saying, “I know I can. I know I can,” like I do with Ella when she’s really tired. For the last mile and a half or so, my head was pounding and I felt like I was going to throw up. At one point I had to stop because my stomach started heaving but nothing came up. I kept thinking I would see the lake any minute. And kept being disappointed.
After climbing over what I hoped would be the last ridge I was sure I would see the lake in the valley. But no. So I kept walking. At one point I almost stopped to get out the map to try and figure out how far I was. But I realized that would just make the journey longer and the map wasn’t going to tell me anything I didn’t already know… I wasn’t where I wanted to be so that meant I needed to keep going.
And, as soon as I let go of the need to figure out where I was, I came around a bend and saw the lake!
I stopped at the first site I found, got my pack off and immediately threw up! After that, all my body wanted was to lay down and sleep… or die, not sure which! But I wasn’t quite ready to die, and that meant doing a few more things.
Had to purify some water, set up my tent and hang the food. Still not sure how I managed to get that one done with my brain barely functioning.
Threw up again before getting into my tent. My head was still pounding and I realized I left the Ibuprofen in the food bag. There was no way I was getting out to get it. So most of the night I kept waking up with my head pounding. Some time around 3:00am it started settling down and I got a few good hours of sleep.
Feeling better today. My body is tired and in recuperation mode. But no headache. And no nausea. I’m taking it really slow this morning. No rush. I’ve lowered my expectations about how far I’ll get today. And even if I just go find a site up the mountain from the lake, that will be fine!
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Ahhh Sun!
Just walked up the hill a bit to eat breakfast in the morning sun. Feels great. My body doesn’t want a lot of food. I’m hoping it will be more receptive to food as the day goes on. Since I’d like to be fueled up when I start the fast tonight.
As I walked yesterday, I started wondering why I was reacting so strongly to the altitude this time. I had almost no reaction in Utah last month and that was about 2000 feet higher than here! And I’ve never actually thrown up before. So what was up?
It feels as if there is a very strong energetic component. When I come out to the wilderness it is with the intention of reconnecting with the earth in a deep way. In order for that to happen, all the stuff that keeps me disconnected from the earth has to be released. The energy of cell phones and computers and cars and other people. Beliefs about what is important. Perceptions of time. All of this needs to be released in order to truly reconnect with the earth. And whether I’m at altitude or not, the way my body deals with a major release of energy is with a headache and nausea. And when the release is very intense I have thrown up in the past. My energy systems are letting go of toxins and my body had to do the same. And it does it in the only way it knows how. No coincidence that my headache last night was focused mainly in my right temple and at the base of my neck on the right side. Telepathics and TMs. Two systems that are notoriously open for me and prone to taking on other people’s energy.
I tried to facilitate a clearing last night but the pain was so intense I couldn’t stay focused.
I also got a glimpse of a net of energy that seemed to connect TPs, TMs and drop down to a node of energy at the joint of my jaw.
I tried to explore it but again, the pain kept me from focusing for long.
When I look at it now, it seems to be an energetic information capture net. Sort of like a satellite dish. But it gathers info from different sources – TMs, TPs, physical ears – and seems to channel that info into the node at my jaw.
Doesn’t make sense to me that my jaw would be the central hub of that system. But that’s what it looks like. I’ll explore some more later.
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I’m very clear that I’m not doing any extensive hiking today. Just packing up my tent left my body feeling weak. Earlier this morning I climbed the hill to the west and found a nice spot for my quest.
The problem is I’m not sure if I can make it up the scree field with my pack and 4-days of water given how I’m feeling.
I don’t want to quest down here by the lake. Too many people come by. (And by too many I mean about 2 or 3 a day at most!) I think I’ll just start climbing and see how far I get. There were a couple of nice spots about halfway up. If it feels like I can’t make it all the way I’ll stop at one of those. That feels good! But first I’ve got to go fill up my big water jug.
You can read all of the posts in the Vision Quest Journal Series here.
Inside the Reptilian Brain of Adoption
My mother is coming in today to celebrate Ella’s 6th birthday. She has been here for most of Ella’s birthdays. And every time she comes in I find myself in a chaotic swirl of emotions. You see this is my “first mommy,” as Ella calls her. She is my biological mother, the mother that, after being held by her for an hour on the day of my birth, I did not meet again until I was 23.
And her presence tends to awaken all sorts of old wounds. And when she is here for Ella’s birthday, that awakening is even more acute.
It was just this morning that I put some of the missing pieces into place. I woke up filled with a deep sadness. And, when I’m sad, my super sensitive little Ella tends to mirror that sadness back to me. So when she woke up this morning, on her birthday, crying and saying that she didn’t want to be six, I knew that it was time to get a grip on my stuff.
But how do you get a grip on stuff that is coming up from deep below the conscious level? How do you transform emotional content that is coming from a pre-verbal cellular memory? How do you turn off the infantile –literally in this case – fight or flight response to a 45 year old event?
Well, I’m still working on figuring that out.
And the piece that fell into place this morning seems to have helped. It’s a piece that comes from not quite so deep in my subconscious mind, probably not all the way down in my reptilian limbic system. It feels like about a 6 year old part of me. And I just now put that together with Ella turning six. Interesting how writing can help pull these pieces together.
It’s as if the six year old part of me is sad because Joan was never at any of my birthdays. And that part of me is angry and confused and, yes, even a bit jealous, that she is now showing up for all of Ella’s birthdays.
And even though this emotional content is coming from well below my conscious awareness, it is bubbling up into my consciousness in a way that I can connect with it. And once I can connect with it, I can begin to play with it.
So, without denying the truth of the sadness and anger and jealousy, all of which have their source in an old wounded place within me, I can begin shifting my focus to the present time. I can begin focusing on my joy that Joan has become such a constant presence in my life. I can focus on gratitude for the love that she shares with Ella. I can focus on Ella’s excitement and joy at turning six.
The shift doesn’t make the sadness go away. One of the insights I had on my recent Vision Quest is that the sadness will always be a part of me. It will always be present within me. But I am able to choose how much of my attention I devote to that sadness.
This morning, when I woke up, the vast majority of my attention was locked onto the sadness. And like a person with a toothache, who can’t stop focusing on the pain and poking and prodding at the tooth, amplifying the pain, I found myself unable to move out of that emotional stew.
But, slowly, step by step, I have begun to shift my focus, and move more of my attention to the present, to the joy that is here now. And as I do that the sadness becomes a softer presence within my awareness of the present.
It’s odd to notice that, as my awareness expands to include more of the world around me and within me, the sadness takes on a comforting tone. It’s like a “blankie” within me, something familiar and known and safe.
But just like a blanket this sadness can smother me, shroud me in darkness, block out everything else, and make it hard to breathe if I hold it too close and wrap it too tightly around me. But if I hold it as a part of my world, without having it become my entire world, it can be a positive, comforting presence.
So today I celebrate the birth of my daughter and all the joy she has brought into this world.
And today I also celebrate my birth and the knowledge that my mother was there with me, she was present for the most important Birth Day of my life!
Purpose Vs. Obligation
Have you ever done something for the sheer joy of it?
Have you ever made something for no reason other than the making of it?
Have you ever gone somewhere just because it was there?
If so, you have experienced the feeling and the vibration of Purpose.
I’ve been exploring this feeling and vibration lately, exploring it and attempting to untangle it, in my own space, from the contradictory feeling and vibration of obligation.
You see, I grew up in a family where obligation was the motivating factor that drove the actions of my parents. My father spent his life working as a lawyer, a career he came to dislike more and more, in order to provide for his family. He worked from obligation. And that obligation led to resentment and anger. As I grew, I vowed, mostly unconsciously, that I would NEVER work because of a sense of obligation. I would “find my purpose” and do the work “I’m meant to do.” That’s what I vowed.
But what good does it do to find your purpose and the work you’re meant to do if you end up doing them from a vibration of obligation?
Do you know a doctor who does great work in the world, helping people, healing people, but does it because he feels obligated?
How about an activist who feels obligated to go to every rally and demonstration?
Or what about an energy healer who feels that she is personally responsible for healing every one of her clients?
And have you ever given money to a homeless person because you felt obligated – responsible, guilty, etc. – to do so?
I “found” my purpose long ago. The struggle for me was not finding my purpose. Rather, the struggle was, and remains, untangling the strands of obligation from that purpose so that I can pursue it with a vibration of pure joy.
Whatever our purpose might be as individuals the underlying purpose is to raise our personal vibration and, in the process, raise the vibration of this planet.
Acting from joy and love raises your vibration and the vibration of those around you. Acting from obligation dampens or lowers your vibration… no matter how noble or valuable the action might be!
Let me say that another way:
Doing noble things – healing people, working for a cause, giving money to someone in need – because you feel obligated to do so does NOT lead to a long-term, sustainable increase in your vibration and the vibration of those around you!
Now before you all jump down my throat and disagree, let me make this observation: You vibration may rise while you are engaged in the action but that heightened vibration is not sustainable if the action is based on obligation.
When I was doing energetic healing sessions my vibration would be sky-high during the session. But after the session, the strand of obligation that ran through my motivation would pull me down very quickly and often to a lower vibration than before the session.
So does the short-lived high vibration I held during the session, and the somewhat higher vibration of my client counteract the lower vibration I had after the session?
Obligation is a bottomless pit that can never be filled. No matter how much you do you can never meet and satiate that sense of obligation. Obligation digs the hole deeper as quickly as you fill it in.
Purpose is a solid foundation upon which you can build. When you act from purpose you create, you build.
For obligation there is never enough. You can never do enough, achieve enough, provide enough, be enough.
With purpose there is always enough. Every action is enough. Your very being is enough.
Every action you take from obligation attempts to bring you back to neutral. Every action you take from purpose adds to what you have already created.
So begin to pay attention to your motivation, not just your actions. What drives you to do what you do? Is it joy, love, and passion? Or is it responsibility, guilt, and fear? Are you acting from passion or obligation? Are you attempting to fill in that bottomless pit or build something of lasting value?
What action will you take from purpose today?
What will you do for the sheer joy of it?
What will you build? What will you create? What will you bring into this world today?
Let me know by leaving a comment below!
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